30 November, 2006

Next on our slow news day, a parakeet saves a baby from eating a lightbulb

Penn Law of all places is where I heard one of the most honest and insightful takes on lawyers. For the purpose of this post, I am going to use this bit of wit in a context removed from the halls of academia. To set up the story, the scene was the two-day symposium on global warming. The speaker was a law professor (not from Penn), whose specialty is corporate law, and yet he was speaking on the scientific aspects of global warming.

At the tail end of his presentation, he leaned back and smiled.

“You know what’s interesting about being a lawyer?” he asked. “Lawyers seem to have this notion that they can do anything and comment on anything, simply because they have a law degree. This is, of course, not the case at all. However, most of the public seems to trust lawyers to comment on just those things, following them despite no real reason to do so. That’s why I still have a job.”

Cut to Michael Jordan in a Birmingham Barons uni swinging wildly at a weak changeup. Cut to Isiah Thomas on the sideline, head-in-hands after final game in a 65-loss Knicks season. Cut to Dennis Rodman.

I love the round-the-clock coverage of everything the internet provides. Conversely, I really detest the rumor mill and slow news day dregs that are posted for the sake of having content. There isn’t much of this posting for the sake of posting going on at major news and technology sites; the practice seems almost exclusive to the sports world.

Coupled with this need for ‘news’ is the fact that athletes exist on their pedestals, and sometimes we forget that they are professionals in their given sport because they’re good at what they do. Granted there are the Bo Jacksons and Deion Sanders’ of the world, but they are exceptions rather than the norm. This creates an environment of wild speculation and some altogether ridiculous ideas.

Here are three recent examples, with commentary on each. Though none is very likely, the listing goes from least to most viable.

Rumors surfaced that Tom Izzo, coach of the Michigan State men’s basketball team, was a candidate to take over the job of Michigan State football coach. A recent statement by Izzo squelched those rumors.

Seriously? Sure, the guy is a decent coach, but managing a field of players as opposed to just five on the court could be, you know, challenging. I rolled my eyes hard enough to bruise my optic nerve at this idea. Good thing, because so did Tom Izzo.

An article on ESPN.com theorized that LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego Chargers Tailback, might make a better quarterback than many QB’s currently serving as NFL starters.

The guy has 10 passes this season. Give him a few more, you know like two or three in a row, and see how well he does. He’s a back, but not of the quarter variety. The reason he’s successful throwing the ball is that he runs so well (it’s kind of his position and all). If teams thought he was going to throw primarily, he’d start quickly going the way of Michael Vick.

Another article on ESPN.com made light of the fact that fallen-from-grace sprinter Justin Gatlin worked out with the NFL fresh/soph equivalent Houston Texans, and speculated that he may be joining the team.

You know that scene in Forrest Gump where he ran straight downfield and scored the TD? Yeah that never works. Has Gatlin ever had to juke in the middle of a 100m sprint? Don’t think so. He’s never even had to turn his head to look for a ball. With pads and a helmet, and a handful of bigger dudes trying to break him. Yeah, in 10th grade he did. Dude’s 24, not 16.

So yeah, none of these will happen, but ain’t speculation fun?

In the next post: Why I find certain Disney characters severely disturbing.


Blogger j. leo said...

A few sprinters have made it in the NFL.... but most haven't. So it's not impossible. Bob Hayes become a great receiver for the Cowboys. Michael Bates was a pro bowl returner for the Panters. And John Capel, who as so far turn down the NFL to compete in teh olympics, played at Florida under Spurrier until he became the best runner in teh 200 meters for the U.S. team.

But yeah, it's not likely.

And why do they let a guy in who's tested positive in another sport? Don;t tehy have tough drug testing too?

2:40 PM, November 30, 2006  
Blogger Drew said...

Fresh/soph! Nice. I was on fresh/soph basketball. I sucked. I averaged like 5.6 PPG for the season. I had this sick buzzer-beating layup one time. It was the buzzer for the first quarter, though.

Did you hear the wild Net rumor that the Eagles signed a professional magician as their long snapper? Oh crap, that's actually true.

7:15 AM, December 01, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

my post last night was a tad wordy. here's the summery that i would have given you:

Newt Gingrich is dumb. I like the first amendment a lot. Europe, here I come!

i should do a summery at the top everytime...like on jstor or something.

8:36 AM, December 01, 2006  
Blogger George said...

let me first say i thoroughly enjoyed this post basically anything i read at 10am on a fri morning at work will entertain me but still.... and i am waiting with bated breath for the disney post to go up.

10:27 AM, December 01, 2006  
Blogger Steve said...

So if Dorenbos snaps for a last-second game-saving play, will the Linc pipe in "The Final Countdown"?

11:05 AM, December 01, 2006  

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