24 January, 2007

I congratulate the Democrat majority...

More amazing than the State of Iraq, err, the Union speech last night, which I'll get to in a moment, is this shark. The thing is, apparently, ancient as shit, some living fossil or something. Watch it swimming here. Article here. Looks like something mid-level boss from Eco the Dolphin.

You know it's a good day when sharks are infinitely more exciting than anything else going on in the world.

Okay, when I said yesterday that I don't really follow politics, I may have lied just a bit. I had forgotten, as I was typing, that the State of the Union address was dutifully marked on my Google calendar for viewing.

So, here are a few notes from the speech. None of it really has to do with the content as I am a very superficial person at times.

- Why are people standing and clapping at least once every minute. I want to yell "sit down, sit the fuck down" a la Lewis Black. Seriously, he's reading a speech, not making it up on the spot. He didn't even write the damn thing, so just sit down and listen?

- Hilary Clinton looks like an overly smug mutt. Either that or she just smelled some pungent farts. Ever seen her up close? She's enormous.

- Obama seems... stiff. Like he's concerned about what the public thinks of him or something. Hmmm.

- What was McCain winking at just there? I bet it was Nancy Pelosi. That wink definitely said "gotcha, biatch. In two years I'll be in ur senate, veto'n ur lawz."

- Bush wants to change the codes for health care, making health insurance more accessible. Even my poor ass appreciates that. Thanks, dude! Not like it'll happen anytime soon...

- John Kerry still looked more than pissed. He's only clapping because there are cameras lurking about. Hilary isn't as up on her showmanship. She just sat there smelling farts all night.

- First mention of terrorists was in the section about securing the borders. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I also chuckled when he said the word smuggler. What I wouldn't give to hear him say 'Turd Burglar' several times.

- Where'd Dick Cheney's hand? I can't see it at all. Oh, right, he's using it to manipulate the mouth and blinky-blink levers in Bush's back.

- Condi looked at one point like she was dropping a deuce. She didn't seem too concerned over her distinct lack of privacy, however. Presidential material? Toilet paper?

- Bush says the names of Iraqi locations like he's recounting an experience on Legends of the Hidden Temple. Except there was nobody there to haul his ass away in the Temple of the Golden Monkey when he screwed it up.

- Watching Nancy Pelosi smile and clap because she was directly behind the president seemed like watching one of those old westerns where the guy in the saloon dances because his feet are being shot at.

- Global Warming is real! He admitted it! Wow, and it only took 6 years.

Number of times I giggled when he said 'terrorism' or terrorists': I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, I lost count (actual count: 22,. I read the transcript myself this morning.)

I wish that people didn't put on a show for the camera. I wouldn't be offended if people in the audience who didn't agree with what he was saying didn't stand and clap. Whatever, they don't agree. It's like watching prairie dogs pop out of their holes.

This is the most horrifying idea for a television show ever. The prize for the winner may even be more so. The show's finale is going to be under two minutes I assure you. I bet it airs on Fox.

In other less relevant Jenna Jameson news, her boyfriend Tito Ortiz, UFC shit-kicker extraordinaire, has a dome that appears to be cast from the same mold as Mr. Potato head. Except Mr. Ortiz's bucket of parts includes only fingerless gloves and gym shorts.

I think a funny photoshop is in order here...

1 Comments:

Blogger S'orlok Reaves said...

My, I've missed a lot of good posts (I assure you I've been busy here.) By the way, one of my friends made up a "State of the Union Address Drinking Game" to give this (unnecessary) event a little more !fun.

By (another) the way, Bush came to speak at NUS a while back. You could tell how near and dear the region was to his heart when the word "Jakarta" came up in his speech, and he totally botched it. (Someone might also want to point out to him that it's capital of the largest Muslim nation in the world.)

Cheers to the New Year!

2:25 PM, January 25, 2007  

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