03 January, 2007

Mindless Self Indulgence is a truly awful band, and I mean that in the most purely honest way imaginable

If you're not terribly interested in indulgent postings a-la George Costanza rambling on and on, I suggest skipping to tomorrow or the next. Otherwise, carry on.
"How was your weekend?" I ask on any given early-week day, purely because I sometimes happen to pause in front of her office and, noticing that she always glances up, feel the need to fill that awkward silent moment.

"It was good, you know?" she replies, both happily and routinely.

I'll bite. "Oh?"

"We [her husband and she] went to the church social on Saturday night. [He] burned the cookies, but not too bad. Better luck next week, right?"

"Right, I guess." I reply. "I'm sure they were edible just the same."

"Better than the first time he tried a month ago. Our study group says they're getting better."
This is nearly every interaction I have with this person. I suppose it makes them happy, but I get very depressed when I meet people who I know will be ardent church ladies (not in the Dana Carvey style, I mean for real) or sheepish church husbands in a few years. Hell some of them already are, and they're my age. I guess I just don't see the appeal of the lifestyle, not being a very religious person myself. I never got into the youth group thing, or the regular mass/service attendance, so I don't really have that sort of base on which to build.

On the occasion that I interact with this woman who works in my office and ask about her weekend or other such chit chat, she inevitably and without fail tells me that she attended some supper, group meeting or outing with her church. I suppose it's about par with what I generally do on weekends (sit and watch football/nothing.) Still, she's in her mid-20's and has hit that point in her life where she's plateaued, it seems. I know she's currently in grad school and will probably move on from this job soon. All the same, she has that settled in mentality for which I have a curious awe. Sometimes I'm jealous of people with such stability, but I also feel that I couldn't really settle into that sort of lifestyle and be content. Not yet, anyhow.

There is another woman I work with that depresses me more than that, however. She is two years older than I, and has a masters degree in either environmental science or some derivative thereof. Now she solicits money from affluent alumni and keeps track of contracts and travel plans for the fat man who also works here. She's worked for several environmental groups in the area, during college and grad school, and yet she works here. Why? This only enforces my notion that I need to get the hell out of here now and do something with my life that isn't this. I'm not saying I need a career, I just need to be satisfied on some level I am not currently achieving.

I think I am going to try to get out of writing. I don't feel that I am terribly good at it, and I don't find as much satisfaction in it as I have in the past. Hopefully the fondness I felt for the written word wasn't some sort of eight year, rose-tinted love fest based on the fact that English was the subject in which I happened to excel. I really feel that I would like to pursue some career with the scouts, or at least something where I can see a tangible impact of my work. The biggest complaint I have with writing is that, for me anyway, I put my work out there but have no apparent response to or result of what I write.

This is one of the first and only times in my life I have truly lacked confidence in my goals and questioned my motives or methods. Currently I would like to be a writer, and I am still working on that track, but not with any sort of self assurance. I have always quietly taken pride in the fact that I am a strong-willed person, but this recent lack of confidence in my self has me questioning whether I am on the right track or not.

I've been thinking of getting in to scouting on some professional level for some time. I know a few people who have gone that route and been miserable, so I am reluctant, but all the same I think it might be an interesting change. I have been a part of scouts for so long, and it has had the biggest impact on my development as a person. It is the area in which I have the most confidence, and toward which I feel drawn at the moment. James suggested getting into writing and editing merit badge pamphlets, which is a possibility I'm going to look at. We'll see.

This isn't a resolution, it just so happens it comes at the beginning of the year.

While googling the words self indulgent and self indulgence to find a suitable picture for this post, I came across the Mark Lane bio page, which I find really funny in a dry sort of way. No reason, really.

And if you had the misfortune of actually reading through that entry, here is a picture I find amusing. Enjoy.

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