20 February, 2007

Emerald Nuts takes on new meaning

In May of last year, I was working at camp doing some maintenance work to get ready for the summer season. We spent a few evenings putting together the new docks for the waterfront areas. These docks, which resemble enormous Lego bricks, had been shipped from somewhere in the mid-west by a special company who also came in to oversee their construction.

The foreman of this merry band of drunks (seriously, they had a cooler full of beer to aid in the dock's construction) was a leathery skinned imp of a man, complete with boat shoes and a funny little cap. And of course like most people who have some sort of inferiority complex, he drove (drives) a big Hummer H2...

...With a pair of truck nuts hanging from the hitch.

If you don't know what those are, they're a plastic replica of testicles that attach to one's truck to compensate for something. Or to come off as a complete asshole. Of course, I want a pair of these for my Toyota, but that's something else entirely.

The first time we spied these bright blue Truck Nuts was during the unloading process. James, Dan and myself were instructed to climb atop the trailer truck and just 'give the docks a shove.' From 15-20 feet up. Oh, and we were standing on the docks at the time. Real safe I assure you. Dude says they're going to just bounce and be fine. What a fiasco.

From our perch atop the docks, however, we happened to look down to where his truck was parked. I'm not sure who noticed them first, probably Dan, but there they were: a pair of enormous, blue, obscene Truck Nuts. After much pointing and some hushed conversation, it was determined that we would need to castrate this truck. Not for malicious purposes, simply because when you hang a large, fake plastic pair of testicles from your bumper you invite ridicule upon yourself. And of course the three of us planned to hang them from a long string and walk around with the blue Truck Nuts at just the right level. If you don't get it, just move on, sorry.

Every day this guy would drive in, and every day we talked about stealing the truck nuts. Others were brought in for consultation, and observations were made. I'm not sure what the final deterrent was (although I think it may have been in the form of a hex bolt affixing the nuts), but it ultimately just didn't happen. After the docks were assembled, he left, never to be seen again. Not by me anyway. I heard from various people that he'd been in once or twice throughout the summer to check on the status of the docks, but that was only hearsay. The truck nuts lived on though as a running joke all summer, something to break tension or for a laugh.

On Feb. 6 at 10:37, I got a text message from my friend Dan, who was there for the beginnings of the Truck Nuts mockery. The message simply said "Truck Nuts!!"I read that and almost lost it laughing. Nothing like the resurgence of a running joke to make your morning.

I know Dan (whose picture graces this entry) reads this; he drunkenly told me so on Friday night around 3 am. I was also instructed by Dan to "call me when I'm sober."

Those that know him know that's probably not true. He's probably in the woods behind your house, or on your roof, just lurking. If he truly is in Dublin, God help the Irish. They're in for a real...treat.


Blogger Mike said...

I don't get all the inside references, but that was a fun piece either way.

12:56 PM, February 20, 2007  
Blogger Adam said...

Nothing says "inner sanctum" quite like that over-the-shoulder shot of the Gold Bond's powder. We men all "powder" ourselves, but seldom do we talk about it openly!

1:19 PM, February 20, 2007  
Blogger Lou said...

I was hoping in my heart of hearts that someone noticed that, because when I cropped the photo I made sure to leave that in there. I was going to crop it tighter, but I thought 'no, that really makes a statement about the All-American that is Dan.'

1:29 PM, February 20, 2007  
Blogger Adam said...

That's awesome, Lou.

All-American ball-powdering guy flipping the bird...

3:15 PM, February 20, 2007  
Blogger James said...

Let's not forget, LETS NOT FORGET, that I stole his knife.

Also, remember the worker known simply as 'Meatball'? He was merry alright.

8:16 AM, February 21, 2007  

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