26 February, 2007

I am an offensive person, and I am fine with that

So I've had this idea for a long time now, and I'd like to air it out and see what y'all (read: all 5 of you reading this) think. I want to make this documentary. Well, it would be more of a mockumentary. The working title is "When Fat People Move." It's going to be a collection of videos of massively obese people doing everyday things, like reaching for high up items in the grocery store, looking both ways before crossing the street and, of course, double fisting burgers at Five Guys.

I used to have a video on my computer of a fat kid jumping on a diving board (not the one pictured) and falling, ultimately bouncing once more on his back before catapulting into the pool. Another video I enjoyed during college was a woman bouncing along on a dirt bike and falling over the handle bars. Both individuals looked very awkward doing relatively normal things, so it got me thinking that it's pretty amusing to watch (some) obese people do most anything. Unless they're charging at you and your camcorder full steam like a Rhino defending its territory. Then it's hilarious.

While this is clearly offensive to most people, I think it would be about the funniest thing ever. At least this guy would like it. Probably wouldn't be a fantastic seller, and it would probably wouldn't even get to a(ny) shelf, but whatever. It's one of those things that, whenever I think about it, I chuckle to myself.

Brilliant diary of Jeter and A-Rod's sleepover history. DJ Gallo is quickly becoming my favorite ESPN writer because of these sort of 'articles.'
2001: Up to no good during a sleepover at A-Rod's place in Texas, the pair prank-calls fellow superstar shortstop Nomar Garciaparra and asks him if his refrigerator is running. Garciaparra says it is, and then a giggling Jeter and A-Rod tell him he should go catch it -- upon which Garciaparra tears his hamstring.

2005: The relationship between the two becomes even more fractured during a sleepover game of Truth Or Dare. Jeter dares Rodriguez to drive in a meaningful run once in his Yankees career, prompting Rodriguez to ask Jeter to admit the truth that no one would have ever heard of him had he played his career in a city like Kansas City or Milwaukee instead of New York.
Speaking of ESPN, It's ridiculous to me that so much coverage and stock is put into the NFL combine. There was a 5 minute segment on Sportscenter this evening about how Lawrence Timmons was a disappointment because he was listed at 6'3" but came into the combine 'below 6'1." Yeah, and so that means he's not as good a player as initially expected? Because he's two inches shorter than the scouts thought? Get real. I hate the combine coverage, it's silly and unnecessary. If someone can play, they can play. What does it matter if they run a 6.5 or 6.3 40-yarder? Hint: it doesn't.

I feel like such an idiot because I just looked up how to make hard-boiled eggs. I was, however, planning to do it the 'wrong way' (putting them into boiling water rather than putting them in cold water then boiling it), so it's a god thing I did.

Edit: I made the eggs, whipped up some egg salad, and had two sandwiches. I didn't put the egg shells down the garbage disposal immediately and Walter spread them throughout the apartment within five minutes. Seriously, there were no shells in the sink when I finished my first sandwich. There were shells in the bath tub, however.

I kind of wish I weren't working tomorrow night, because tomorrow Jeff Foxworthy and, undoubtedly, a few other yokels debut "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" This, of course, looks like the best thing ever. I really only want to see one episode to make sure I can answer most if not all of these questions. You know, for my own mental security.

3 Comments:

Blogger S'orlok Reaves said...

And.... wow, I'm 1/5 of a readership! For reasons of which you are aware, I try to be a little conscious of the overweight. So, to translate, I'd certainly enjoy it, but I wouldn't, say, advertise it on my blog.

I guarentee that the people here would love it.

I thought you were making devilled eggs... did your goals depreciate?

6:49 AM, February 27, 2007  
Blogger Mike said...

I'd check out your fat folks expose. No doubt.

8:00 AM, February 27, 2007  
Blogger j. leo said...

Five Guys rule.

I blame them if I should ever pop up on such a show. Also Jim's.

12:35 AM, February 28, 2007  

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